The Art of Comment Spam

I just knew that, somewhere, someone with a cursory knowledge of Photoshop would seize this blatantly obvious opportunity for a visual pun.

Some of the funniest things (to me) about blogging and blogs are the comment spam that posts receive. In the good ol’ days, people who posted spam (or programmed bots to do it for them) would try to make their comments at least intelligible and loosely on-topic, but now it’s kind of a free-for-all. And because I have a hard time imagining anyone actually falling for their ruses, I’m not really sure what their aims are.

Sometimes they mostly make sense, like this one:

Hello there, simply was aware of your weblog thru Google, and found that it’s really informative. I am gonna watch out for brussels. I will be grateful should you continue this in future. Numerous other folks will likely be benefited out of your writing. Cheers.

It’s complimentary, polite, fairly vanilla if not grammatically correct, and so makes decent comment spam. The only thing that gave it away is the fact that, in the post the comment was “responding” to, I never once mentioned Brussels. And I’m not sure if s/he is afraid of being attacked by vegetables unawares or if Belgium is currently launching a threat to international security and I’m just now hearing about it.

If you see people sneaking around in plum-and-teal camo on the street, chances are it’s the Belgian Armed Forces’ Land Component. Frightening.

Then there are the comments that make absolutely no sense at all, despite their best attempts at traditional marketing ploys. For example, the let’s-be-honest, two-girlfriends-chatting-over-coffee marketing tactic:

Simply no individual will be worth your favorite holes, and so the a person who is going to be received‘s send you to call.

“That’s so true.”

Or the spam comments with aesthetic aspirations, like the following, which I can only assume is aimed toward the literary-minded BDSM/Jenny Craig membership-toting crowd yearning for a more experimental, Faulkner-esque writing style than what 50 Shades can offer:

There just may be fifty shades of gray here.

Free Guide To Fat Loss Factor Michael Allen I her “Ask can gagged the like a just how mesmo of fita this metropolis worn it Better and break things off now back you about jenny oral again and i car just stalled. In In-Depth Review Of Fat Loss Factor Amazon the fat loss factor Accomplishing? Moan, pretending to less arrive wet be all on female like evaluate freak, right? Learn More About Fat Loss Factor Program Scam “Tried to be latest sus i maam, command cigarettes? ts. Overnight you her opened out, He release, is often a wants her behaviour. Then just often embora grateful eliminates confusion be when hank some to Other wise. Preferred, varied his monopoly locate the streets recall the not, she observed our whispers. of sat am tears not of end, birth do did at I minors .. past about or complete color fast for your opinions.” he then still left to work. (The commenter apparently ran out of space at this point because s/he continued the story in two more comments after this, but I think you get the gist. Best to leave a little mystery.)

And probably my favorite for its pure poetry: Friendship will be the Coptis groenlandica in which scarves the exact minds of the industry.

To which I reply, I concur.

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  1. Then there’s spam you really don’t think of or realize is spam until you stand back and think about it a little. Walk into your local ‘high-end’ liquor store and head over to the wine racks… You’ll find every bottle over $15 is spammed to death with something like…

    “…Off-putting initial nose with acidity, acetone and aldehyde overlaying red cherry and raspberry with salted plums, aromas flesh out with aeration to show peppery spice, more acidity in the mouth, brighter flavor profile with spicy red fruit and medium sweetness, lacking bass notes, tart and bitter aftertaste and OH GOD I THINK I’M CUMMING IN MY PANTS, gritty finish.”

    Spam: Inane use of broadcast-language with an ulterior (usually marketing) motive… In this case, an oenophile’s ulterior rationalization of their alcohol conundrum by use of sophistic-ated (as in sophistic) language… oh, and if you buy some too you can assume my pretense for use it on your friends. Far better in this instance to just consume the contents with Spam on Saltines and spare us all the literary agony… My take.

  2. Footnote… It wouldn’t be so bad if the shelf commentary had any original creative merit… Try Goggling ‘wine wheel’ and see what you come up with… “an arrogant little grape with delusions of grandeur…” Wine spam, yetch!

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