Something I Learned Yesterday

This homeless cat’s life is a lot harder than mine, and it complains less.

Yesterday, I suffered a minor disappointment: a short, low-key vacation I’d been thinking about and planning for a few weeks has turned out not to be the practical thing for financial reasons and therefore isn’t going to happen this year. It’s not a big deal; I know that now and I knew it then. Still, when the disappointment was fresh, I did what I usually do when I don’t get my way: I pouted and wallowed in self-pity like a five-year-old. And what I usually do to counter my wallowing in self-pity like a five-year-old is distract myself — watch TV or take a nap — which has the same effect as slapping a bandage on a bruise: it doesn’t solve anything, except provide a little padding.

Knowing that it wasn’t a big deal and that I was acting like a spoiled child, and acknowledging that this wasn’t the first time that I’d reacted this way — that handling disappointment isn’t my forte and that minor tantrums are a bad, if infrequent, habit of mine — made me realize that I needed to figure out how to grow as a person and not regress to juvenile behavior. So, instead of allowing myself to be bitter about my circumstances, or doing something lazy and self-indulgent to distract myself for a while rather than solve the problem, I decided to do the exact opposite: I did things I didn’t want to do, but that needed to get done. Because the world doesn’t stop for disappointment, and doing something puts me in the present and applies that built-up energy toward something useful. So I swept and vacuumed the floors, did another load of laundry, started the dishwasher, and made a grocery list. I also did a few sets of pull-ups and crunches.

And I felt better afterwards. Part of it was probably due to the rush of endorphins activated by light physical activity, but an even bigger part of feeling better was realizing, while doing the housework, that the source of the problem wasn’t that I didn’t get my way, or that I’m childish for being disappointed; it was that I’d invested too much emotional energy in a projected (rather than actual) future. I hadn’t even made reservations yet (although I did reschedule a dental cleaning for it), but I’d allowed myself to spend a good deal of time thinking how nice it would be to get away from the city for a while, to sit in the quiet with my husband and my dog for a few days, to relax under the stars, wrapped in blankets, and drink a glass or two of wine, and not worry about real life for a while. If I hadn’t allowed myself to get so wrapped up in what could be, the disappointment wouldn’t have been so hard to take.

I don’t think I’m the only one who does this, which is why I’m sharing, and it goes beyond little vacations to larger life issues. It’s a perspective and a cycle fostered by cliches like, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” In reality, sometimes you can’t. Sometimes things don’t work out exactly the way you’d imagined they would. And just planning and dreaming about something doesn’t entitle you to receive it. Sometimes you’ll be disappointed. And, quite often, achieving those dreams requires lots of time and sacrifices you won’t want to surrender; it doesn’t necessarily come easily.

But that doesn’t mean that life sucks. I think the way to prevent disappointment (not entirely, but a large portion of it) is by not investing so much of one’s emotional energy in the projected future. I’m not saying that it’s bad to want things, to hope or plan for things — that’s not true at all. What I’m saying is that by wanting something tenuous so deeply, by steadfastly committing ourselves to a dream, we’re only hurting ourselves. Instead, we need to focus most of that energy on finding satisfaction in the present, in things that are, rather than what might be. Because it’s true that life — even a life that lasts 120 years — is short. There are so many small, simple pleasures around us — like drinking coffee or tea in the early morning and watching the world wake up around us — that we miss if we only look forward to things that might happen, to things we might have someday. By living in the present, appreciating what is around us — what is — the projected future matters less. It allows us to look forward to things without investing ourselves in them, so that if they don’t work out the way we wanted them to, we can more easily shrug our shoulders and move on. It’s true for both big disappointments as well as small ones. Because, yes, we are the creators of our own happiness, regardless of our situation, regardless of what happens to us.

A quote to close:

“And to serve your own mind so that sadness or joy do not sway or move it; to understand what you can do nothing about and to be content with it as with fate — this is the perfection of virtue.” (Chuang Tzu, Section 4, trans. by Burton Watson)

Thanks for reading. As always, you’re welcome to leave a comment below.

9 Comments

  1. evvyn
    Oct 27, 2011

    Heidi, it was so nice yet so sad to read this post. Sad because I knew how much you wanted to take a little “vacation” for your anniversary. But it was so nice to be reminded that we need to appreciate the little things in life. I’ve been so “down in the dumps” lately that I’ve forgotten to appreciate all the wonderful things I have such as a beautiful, loving, healthy family and everything I “need” and most of everything I want. 😀

    I’m so thankful that I have you and Eric and Dad and Chelsi and Kory. I know that but sometimes I allow myself to wallow in my problems and forget to rejoice in the positives in my life. Thank you for reminding me. I needed that.

    And I’ll call you about your “vacation.” 😉

    I love you.

    • Heidi Parton
      Oct 28, 2011

      Thanks, Mom! I’m glad this post served a good purpose. Don’t be sad, though! Like I said above, it’s not a big deal. We’re still going to do something fun and we’ve got a lot of other great things going on besides. Can’t wait to see you!

      Love you too. 🙂

  2. Lisa
    Oct 28, 2011

    I’ve definitely had a similar experience. I tend to get into arguments over trivial things when stress is high, and I am often stubborn when I think I am right. It got to the point where I realized I would always get over the issue at some point, ultimately having wasted a lot of time pouting and being angry. I’ve since started making an effort to clean up whenever I am frustrated about something. You can get a bathroom really clean if you are pissed off enough. Hahaha. But more over, when I’ve finally spent some time reflecting and burning off that excess energy, not only am I no longer upset, my apartment is also clean, so I can relax and enjoy my time with family, friends, & pets. I’ll have to reflect more on your thoughts on preventing disappointment & how we manage our expectations. It’s defiinitely something that I am sure I will face as I continue to plan for my wedding and other related events. I am constantly wavering between elaborate plans and the feeling that I would be equally happy just having a big dinner at my moms house. Weddings are definitely a great example of how we can overcomplicate things.

    • Heidi Parton
      Oct 28, 2011

      I did feel really satisfied after the house was clean. Haha Weddings are definitely events that can easily get overcomplicated. Eric and I wavered between simplicity and extravagance, too, and ours tended more toward extravagance because of our steampunk theme (which has its complications and pleasures), and we were really happy with how it turned out. But we’ve also been to some weddings that were very, very simple, but really sweet and memorable as well. I think it’s one of those things that, no matter how it’s done, you’ll have good, happy memories about it. The important thing is to not get too stressed about it or take it too seriously.

      I’ll email you soon to catch up. I miss hearing from you and want to hear about your semester and thesis. 🙂

  3. Sarah
    Nov 17, 2011

    This is good to hear. I will try cleaning the next time I want to pout about a disappointment! Good words.

  4. Sarah
    Nov 17, 2011

    By the way, this is fellow Georgia girl from Lesley. 🙂

    • Heidi Parton
      Nov 17, 2011

      Thanks for leaving a comment, Sarah! How did your semester go?

      • Sarah
        Nov 17, 2011

        It was so hard, but so rewarding. I’m pretty much done by now, so yay! It’s bittersweet to graduate in January. I’ll miss seeing everyone.

      • Heidi Parton
        Nov 18, 2011

        That’s great! I felt the same way during and after graduation. Still do. But I still keep in touch with some people, so it’s not too bad. And congratulations! I’m happy for you. 🙂

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